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Nightmares

When I was a kid, I used to have this recurring dream…or nightmare, really…where I was in a boxing ring running away from something large and scary. I could never actually see what I was running from. It kind of reminds me of an old Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Well, at least the ring kinda looked like that. And I could tell there was an audience in the dark abyss around me, eyes peering from the shadows. But I was very, very small inside the ring. Maybe it was more like being in a play pen as a toddler. I had this dream probably until half-way through elementary school, and then it just vanished.

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. Had nightmares about aliens and Freddy Kreuger and…I think it’s safe to say I watched way too many scary movies as a kid. But my dreams and nightmares have never been more real than while pregnant. It was one of the first things I noticed when I was pregnant last year with Maggie. I loved waking up and telling John all about the insanity that would go on inside my head in those nights.

Unfortunately, I feel like lately the vivid dreams have been more nightmarish than not. Last night’s was especially difficult, because it seemed that I was having a complication with my pregnancy again. It’s obvious that I am just still pretty scared of losing my baby boy like I lost Maggie. Her birthday (and subsequent anniversary of death) are coming up on Monday, and while I’ve been trying to ignore it, it’s just looming over me each day. I keep remembering moments of the days before, and how I was so scared that whole week before she was born and died. How badly the fear had taken over. Like I knew our time would soon be up.

I’m working every day to stay positive for baby #2. With more knowledge about my body and pregnancy, I feel somewhat more prepared than last time when I knew absolutely nothing. With the trauma of my loss just barely a year ago, I am definitely more apprehensive. I’ve taken to meditating and doing some light yoga poses daily. I’m trying to do everything I can to keep the nightmares at bay, to keep them from coming true. Losing her was the worst nightmare of my life, one that I still feel I am constantly trying to wake from. But like the boxing dream, it’s fading more and more into the background each day. I hope someday it won’t scare me as much anymore.

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